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Quick introduction to BDSM…

Posted by Kinky Betty on

…..you don’t need to do all the letters to enjoy BDSM

OK, to start with the basics, BDSM stands for Bondage, Domination, Sadism, Masochism but liking one doesn’t mean you have to like them all. They overlap sometimes but you can, for example, like to be dominated without any Bondage or SM element at all. 

They are like circles of a venn diagram overlapping. You can do one or two, and sometimes all three coincide in the Wild Spot! Also there are many things that are “kink” that don’t have to involve any BDSM aspect at all - for example foot fetish, watersports or swinging and swapping partners. 

BDSM infographic venn diagram

So often we have heard the following sorts of comments:

“I can’t stand pain so I don’t like BDSM”

“I don’t want to be humiliated so BDSM is not for me”

“Losing control scares me so I don’t want to try BDSM”

Well BDSM may not be for you, but don’t let your dislike of one aspect put you off the rest. There may be something you really enjoy if you experiment and many aspects are beautiful, sensual, pain-free and involve equality and respect. 

What is Bondage? 

There are different interpretations but in its simplest form bondage involves restraining or tying up a partner - with rope, ankle or wrist manacles, handcuffs, bed ties, etc. - as part of sexual activity. Even the last part if grey when you look at something like shibari (the Japanese art of tying with rope) which is about the sensual process of tying and the beauty of the finished design on the body, rather than sex itself. This is particularly true with suspension rope play. There is very little pain, if any, if done correctly and there doesn’t have to be any domination. At the beginner end of the spectrum simply tying wrists to the bed frame and having normal sex is pure bondage. 

What is Domination in a sexual context?

In the dom-sub dynamic one side dominates and the other subordinates and is told what to do. This doesn’t have to involve any bondage, pain, sex toys or implements whatsoever. In a lot of normal sexual partnerships one half is often slightly dominant without even labelling it. Taking it a stage further one partner is in complete control - or rather the sub allows the dom to be in complete control. The simple act of the man instructing a lady to get on her knees and give him a blow job or get in a certain position can be domination. Some people like to control and instruct and some like to be told what to do (and some like to switch between the two.) There are many stages further, even involving verbal humiliation and physical degradation, but that doesn’t have to be a feature and rarely is for most in our experience. 

What is sexual Sadism and Masochism?

Sadist get pleasure from inflicting pain on others and masochists get pleasure from experiencing pain. And in a BDSM context this is sexual pleasure. It turns you on inflicting or experiencing pain. Lots dabble and are what I would call minor sadists or masochists - relatively few really enjoy and go to extremes. 

Again SM doesn’t have to involve any bondage or dom-sub dynamic. It often does but it doesn’t have to - in fact the masochist may even be the one in control giving instructions! The most common form of SM activity is what is broadly termed “impact play” - getting hit, usually on the arse, with floggers, whips, crops, canes, etc. You don’t need to be restrained for that that and the masochist can even be screaming "hit me harder!" Ditto with nipple clamps during sex which many love as the pain/pleasure sensation goes straight to the genital area. It can be done in a very equal, consensual, non-restrained way. 

The Wild Spot when all aspects of BDSM converge

Now there are times when two of the three overlap of course and sometimes we go full Wild Spot with all three in a fairly extreme way - tied with rope so can barely wiggle never mind move, spanked hard with a crop leaving red marks and bruises, while nipple clamps are screwed tight for extra pain, ball-gag and blind-folds so I cannot control what’s happening and am totally subordinate. I barely have a safe word and rely on Mr Betty watching my movements, especially fingers, and having the experience to know when he has reached the limit. This is us in extreme Wild Spot mode but sometimes just a little bit of one of the letters is just as good. Don’t be put off by some aspect you don’t like - start experimenting and enjoy!

BDSM shibari - restrained with rope

Top 8 beginners BDSM suggestions

You don’t have to jump in at the deep end. If you are curious, try one or more of following: 

1. Wear a mask or blindfold during sex. Boring and basic perhaps but sometimes the simplest things are the best. If you haven't had sex wearing a mask before, it is is a wonderful new feeling not being able to see what goes on as other senses are heightened and it's a great kick for your partner - perhaps free to explore and enjoy new things without you seeing. 

BDSM blindfold black out

 

 

2. Bondage tape - want to try restraint but not sure about rope? Then try bondage tape to lightly restrain wrists, ankles etc. Cheap, easy, flexible, doesn't stick to the skin and easy to remove.  A great way to experiment and start off. 

BDSM pink bondage tape

 

3. Door jam cuffs - these are so simple and easy and everybody has a door they can use. 

Door Jam Cuffs for BDSM restraint

 

4. Wear a collar - collars have deep emotional significance for those in a dom-sub relationship and can be used for all sort of extreme play but just wearing one when you want to get into a kinky mindset is enough.  No need for anything else and as time goes on, who knows you might use this a cue for more or use the collar as part of bondage restraint. 

5. Nipple clamps - a gentle introduction to pain. Contrary to popular opinion, don't dive in with nipple clamps themselves but get nipple vices or screw nipple clamps. These are totally adjustable and can apply anything from no pressure at all to tight excruciating pain/pleasure. They also also rather beautiful.

Nipple vice - nipple clamp

6. Flogger or paddle - you could try any type of impact play accessory but a flogger or paddle is a good place to start. No need to hit hard - just experiment with gentle taps. This one has soft velvety fur side as well for more sensual teasing.

BDSM heart shaped paddle

 

7. Wax play - some may not think of dripping hot was onto the skin as something for beginners but it is not as painful as it sounds and great fun. As you progress can combine with other scenarios such as blindfolded or restrained. Just be sure to use low melting point candles - DO NOT use normal candles as you will burn the skin. 

Wax candles - low melting point for BDSM
8. Buy a Bondage Starter Kit and just experiment! You may want to upgrade to better quality more specialised items once you decide what you like but a great cheap way to start on the journey. 
Bondage starter kit
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Please comment below with your own thoughts (any name will do and email will not show). How did you start in BDSM? If you want any advice pop over the to the Naughty Corner and ask away. 

 

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